The Chainsaw Man movie is seriously messing with my head. I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm missing you again... Sorry about that. I'm sure I did the right thing going no contact for a bit, but... Sometimes I find myself wishing that I drank just so that I could do something stupid and impulsive like texting you. It'd just be nice to have an excuse. What would you say if you knew that's how I felt?

For the last ~week, I've been changing up my habits. The main changes are not being on my phone for an hour before I go to sleep or an hour after I wake and leaving it in another room while I sleep. This has helped my mood so much I can't even describe it. Now I use that time to read a book or sit with my thoughts in the evening. The idea is to just allow myself to be bored sometimes. I think, even outside of these periods without my phone, that it helps make the "boring" things feel more interesting.

The mood improvement is helping me do things that I usually wouldn't feel like doing. Usually, I get into a cycle of letting my apartment get messy -> being sad that it's messy -> being in a bad mood where I don't want to clean. After changing this habit, I've been able to keep my apartment cleaner, longer - which makes me happier.

The other thing that helps is that setting down my phone an hour before bed forces me to plan out when I'm going to sleep. I find myself sleeping at a more regular time and feeling better in the mornings. I have been taking melatonin (which I'm not really happy about) to force myself to fall asleep at a regular time. I'm hoping that I can reset my sleep schedule and then drop the melatonin later.

Kinda got started on a homelab on a mini rack. I just need a mini PC that I can use for self hosting. Even though I'm not using it for much, just having the rack setup is making me really happy :).

I'll be welcomed not because I got it right, but because I was seeking to do what's right with all I had.

There's still a part of me that fears that I've made the wrong choice, that I'll die and be punished for eternity, but I want to believe that if God exists and God is goodness, he won't punish me for living a life loving people and loving the world - even if I can't believe in him. Shouldn't that be enough? Saw this quote in a video and it really comforted me.

I have to meet people, but meeting people requires meeting people. My love, I know you're out there, but I'll never find you.

Copyparty has me thinking more about software that feels like it's made by/for people. Looking for more stuff that feels like that, I stumbled upon tilde.town. That seems like such a great idea for a community.

Saw copyparty on hacker news. Seems like cool software, and I want to try it out.

Just created this site. Every time I want to do a personal project, I think way too hard about it. I care too much how it looks. I care too much that everything is perfect. This site is just here to be simple and a place where I can be myself without overthinking. Let's just start it as a stream-of-thought, and if I end up liking it, I might add more.